Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
