I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
