I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
