So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
