I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I checked into jail on foursquare
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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