Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
