So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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