someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
