I will die if light touches me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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