do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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