I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
