i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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