She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
But theres a keg here and me gusta
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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