hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
