so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
