You're earring is so big in my mouth
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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