Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
