I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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