HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
