what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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