Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
