You were right. It hurts to walk today.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
