he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
