I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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