4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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