Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
