at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
