yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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