I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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