i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
well you can't waste a boner
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
