No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
