ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
