That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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