Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
