U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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