So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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