It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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