Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
