fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
