oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
