You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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