Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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