One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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