i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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