Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
