If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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