Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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