Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
