I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
