dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
