Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
