You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
