3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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