He passed out mid-signature
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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